Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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