Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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