i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
