there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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