you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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