The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
