When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
