maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
