I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
