I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
