Can i not drive my cunt home
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
