i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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