All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize