My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
