hotel room ftw
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
