So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
