Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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