bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
