If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
