that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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