Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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