i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
