Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
