Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
