So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
