i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
