Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize