If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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