Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
