he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
