My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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