The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
