I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
