I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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