I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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