Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
