9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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