OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
