if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
