Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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