I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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