Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
