if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
why is half of my head shaved?
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