I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
