actually, I'm a sock model
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize