Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
