i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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