I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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