This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
