I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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