Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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