i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize