On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize