My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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