Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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