Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
