I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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