somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
not ubering you a puppy
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
