I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
