If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
