So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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